Are We Nearly There Yet?
c25k, depression ·
Week 3 is finally finished. I say week 3, but it must be more like 9 weeks as I’m only getting one run a week in. Which isn’t ideal. Motivation is just at rock bottom.
I’m a member of my local gym thanks to the discounted rate to join through my physio. I just have to get over my introverted nature and go more than once!
That’s the problem. It’s a lack of self-belief that holds me back. There’s no way I should be at the gym. Everybody is younger, fitter with more muscles than i’ll ever have. So why bother?
And that’s the thought constantly in my head. Why am I doing this? What do I hope to gain from the experience? You’ll only get frustrated at your inability to progress. You’ll hit a stumbling block and falter. And then get frustrated and quit. And move onto the next big, better thing.
And so it goes.
On and on. Round and round.
Trying to cram a bit of me-time which doesn’t involve my partner, work or cats is difficult at the best of times. So I sit on the sofa and engross myself in a gadget, half watching the tv. Because it’s easy. And I can focus for the five minutes I might get before being interrupted.
I know this all sounds a bit “poor me”. And it is. If I really wanted something I’d put myself first wouldn’t I?
But I don’t. Or at least, I don’t know how.
I don’t think I can change. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
So on I go, attempting to go into something 100% and only managing 20%.
Maybe I’m just trying to fill the empty void. The hole in my heart where my dad and brother used to be. Finding a purpose in life.
So there you go. Week 3 is finished. I don’t feel a sense of accomplishment.
Am I just wallowing in self-pity? Does anybody else feel this emptiness despite wanting to feel whole? And the frustration that I just doesn’t seem to want to happen?
Just me? Ok.
