Running...
running ·Feeling the runner’s high low
I should be happy. But I felt like a fraud. I felt out of place at the gym. I felt like I didn’t belong. It’s nobody’s fault except my own. Nobody shamed me. Looked down on me. Ridiculed me. I did that to myself.
I saw myself in the mirror whilst on the leg press.
This, skinny old man stared back at me. With legs that looked like they could snap and a tired old face. No muscles to be seen. How could I ever think I’d belong in a place like this.
I couldn’t run because of leg pain. I just felt useless. I’m doubting my ability to run. I’m twice the age of everybody around me. And feeling every one of those years.
I’d sat on the leg press. Whoever used it before me was pressing 100kg. I reduced that down to a pitiful 25kg. I shouldn’t do that. I shouldn’t compare.
“Comparison is the thief of joy”
But it’s not that easy when you’re surrounded by thieves. And I let them take everything.
The depression and self loathing can be crippling. Once it sets in there’s no going back. I had to get out of the gym quickly after that.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe if I wasn’t in there on my own I wouldn’t feel so vulnerable. But the dark side of me pushes people away. Or just won’t let them get close.
I guess I have to expect the lows with the highs. I’m still nervous after recovering from my knee injury. Probably too nervous. My left calf is now painful when I run.
I’m not going to give up after falling at the first hurdle. But it came as a shock. Maybe every runner goes through this. Maybe this isn’t as unusual as I think it is.
I wonder if professional athletes have these moments. These thoughts. These feelings of runners low.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
